Leaving Zihua today for the the last time was hard. I had gotten used to a long deep massage every day on the beach. Sure, sometimes it was a little noisy and chaotic but other times it was peaceful and serene. I had already scoped out the true pros and knew just where to go. Today however I decided to spread the love around and choose a different place. My world will never be the same again. Never.
This place looked very good and I had recommendations even. So, give it a try? Sure, why not. I have learned a few things in my massage frenzy on La Ropa beach which I will share with you soon. Back to the story.
She looked sturdy enough to give a deep pressure massage. Even a little too sturdy. She had on Sandals and some kind of jean shorts. Yum. That was not standard massage pro attire but the she did pitch me on the table and make the little face donut with ease. Somewhere between the face donut and her hands touching my body, the fun stopped. The first contact was a light hand on the back and then she went immediately to my legs. Good I thought, as I had told her my legs needed more work than anything. Two pushes, a slap and an elbow and I was over on my back. The pushes and slaps were not even on each leg. A random thumb here and there and that was it. After she very awkwardly got me on my back.......very awkward is the key here, she returned to my foot. Yes foot. Only one...maybe she saw an alinement issue. She preceded to jerk the crap out of my right big toe. It had to stretch at least an inch. I grunted then attempted to gouge her with my now inoperative big toe. No luck. Next she moved back to top and put a towel under my neck. For some reason she careful wadded the towel up to make a 45 degree down slope. How nice was this? Constantly having your head roll over the left side was not my idea of finding inner peace. After another random thumb on major bones, she decided my right arm needed lengthening. She grabbed a small sandy towel and took hold of my wrist moving my arm in a circular position. Good, Something that I recognized. Then without warning or compassion she jerked my arm out of socket so hard my head came completely came off the table and my entire body was half off the table. Sensing I needed another millimeter or two she did it twice more. I couldn't even get back on the table before she yanked me off again. Maybe she thought she got a little out of line because this was the only time she tried to do the same thing to both sides. Sure it sounds funny now but you lay there with your head downslope and wait for what you know is coming on the other side. Stressful I'm telling you.
It went from there to the head again. This time she put a rag over my eyes. As I lay there I could hear the sound of bottles being opened in the dark. Suddenly, I was being poisoned by some oil she had but in her hands that was now clamped over my nose and mouth. Burning and choking me into submission. When that was over she took a clorox wipe and cleaned my face. Clorox I'm telling you. Then she placed some smelly tissues over my whole face and wet them with something horrible. I was sure she was measuring my for a death mask.
Then it gets scary. I felt her thumbs on my man nipples. What the hell? Is this turning kinky? No, she decided that I needed to have my nipples shoved down into my rib cage as hard as she could for a couple of minutes. She must have mistaken my wiggling as joy because she refused to stop. Hearing my cries of pain must have been the signal she learned from her Taliban teachers to begin the sternal slaps. Sternal Slaps are a new one for me. It would not be the first new one.
With those complete. She moved back to my head and securely place each of her rather meaty thumbs into my ear canals. Could she push hard enough to make them touch? Well, she was close.
Please keep in mind that I had this death mask of stink over my face. The smell was secondary to the mind numbing pain of the ear gouge. The ringing and headache were still there when she must have noticed a lump on my right thigh. OK. I used to be a professional athlete of sorts. Years of chasing that little yellow ball around. I developed some Quads over the years. For some reason this lady decided that she didn't like that muscle and it was her job to try and dissolve my Quadracip muscle with her elbow. Unbelievable. NO IT BAND rub here. It was full on destruction of tissue. And again, she only felt the need on one side. Small favors right. OK. I know I"m boring you but I would like to finish with another new technique at least for me. This one I will call the J.J. WATT running rib spear. She made two fists, knuckles out and took a little run at me with some good forward motion. The "spear", hit me mid axillary line about 5 inches below my arm pit. That would be the side of your rib cage if you haven't gotten that Grey's book out yet. Keep in mind I am still in death mask. Amazing. I will leave out the "rumble", sand towel and ankle crusher to save time and get to the lessons learned.
Tips on Massage on La Ropa Beach, Zihuatanjo, Gurerro.
1. If they are wearing sandals......You may end up like me
2. If they are wearing jeans or demin......You may end up like me
3. If they do not run out after you to get you in.....You may end up like me
4. If they want to give you a "happy", they mean 500 pesos not 50
5. It's always better to have two different competitors side by side. They work harder.
6. Always have the exact change. They can't seem to find change when needed.
7. Don't wear anything you really like to a La Ropa Massage. It will be oiled up enough to start a fire.
8. If you find yourself haggling over the difference between 200 and 250 pesos? It's time to go to the bar. $ 2.79 US is not worth the battle.
I'm pretty sure that my massage lady was just there delivering concrete to a work crew and saw the opporuntity for some quick cash and some vicious man hating. I'm pretty sure because no one that worked there knew her name? If you see this face or those feet....go to the bar instead. Off to Taxco now. Viva La Vida.
This place looked very good and I had recommendations even. So, give it a try? Sure, why not. I have learned a few things in my massage frenzy on La Ropa beach which I will share with you soon. Back to the story.
She looked sturdy enough to give a deep pressure massage. Even a little too sturdy. She had on Sandals and some kind of jean shorts. Yum. That was not standard massage pro attire but the she did pitch me on the table and make the little face donut with ease. Somewhere between the face donut and her hands touching my body, the fun stopped. The first contact was a light hand on the back and then she went immediately to my legs. Good I thought, as I had told her my legs needed more work than anything. Two pushes, a slap and an elbow and I was over on my back. The pushes and slaps were not even on each leg. A random thumb here and there and that was it. After she very awkwardly got me on my back.......very awkward is the key here, she returned to my foot. Yes foot. Only one...maybe she saw an alinement issue. She preceded to jerk the crap out of my right big toe. It had to stretch at least an inch. I grunted then attempted to gouge her with my now inoperative big toe. No luck. Next she moved back to top and put a towel under my neck. For some reason she careful wadded the towel up to make a 45 degree down slope. How nice was this? Constantly having your head roll over the left side was not my idea of finding inner peace. After another random thumb on major bones, she decided my right arm needed lengthening. She grabbed a small sandy towel and took hold of my wrist moving my arm in a circular position. Good, Something that I recognized. Then without warning or compassion she jerked my arm out of socket so hard my head came completely came off the table and my entire body was half off the table. Sensing I needed another millimeter or two she did it twice more. I couldn't even get back on the table before she yanked me off again. Maybe she thought she got a little out of line because this was the only time she tried to do the same thing to both sides. Sure it sounds funny now but you lay there with your head downslope and wait for what you know is coming on the other side. Stressful I'm telling you.
It went from there to the head again. This time she put a rag over my eyes. As I lay there I could hear the sound of bottles being opened in the dark. Suddenly, I was being poisoned by some oil she had but in her hands that was now clamped over my nose and mouth. Burning and choking me into submission. When that was over she took a clorox wipe and cleaned my face. Clorox I'm telling you. Then she placed some smelly tissues over my whole face and wet them with something horrible. I was sure she was measuring my for a death mask.
Then it gets scary. I felt her thumbs on my man nipples. What the hell? Is this turning kinky? No, she decided that I needed to have my nipples shoved down into my rib cage as hard as she could for a couple of minutes. She must have mistaken my wiggling as joy because she refused to stop. Hearing my cries of pain must have been the signal she learned from her Taliban teachers to begin the sternal slaps. Sternal Slaps are a new one for me. It would not be the first new one.
With those complete. She moved back to my head and securely place each of her rather meaty thumbs into my ear canals. Could she push hard enough to make them touch? Well, she was close.
Please keep in mind that I had this death mask of stink over my face. The smell was secondary to the mind numbing pain of the ear gouge. The ringing and headache were still there when she must have noticed a lump on my right thigh. OK. I used to be a professional athlete of sorts. Years of chasing that little yellow ball around. I developed some Quads over the years. For some reason this lady decided that she didn't like that muscle and it was her job to try and dissolve my Quadracip muscle with her elbow. Unbelievable. NO IT BAND rub here. It was full on destruction of tissue. And again, she only felt the need on one side. Small favors right. OK. I know I"m boring you but I would like to finish with another new technique at least for me. This one I will call the J.J. WATT running rib spear. She made two fists, knuckles out and took a little run at me with some good forward motion. The "spear", hit me mid axillary line about 5 inches below my arm pit. That would be the side of your rib cage if you haven't gotten that Grey's book out yet. Keep in mind I am still in death mask. Amazing. I will leave out the "rumble", sand towel and ankle crusher to save time and get to the lessons learned.
Tips on Massage on La Ropa Beach, Zihuatanjo, Gurerro.
1. If they are wearing sandals......You may end up like me
2. If they are wearing jeans or demin......You may end up like me
3. If they do not run out after you to get you in.....You may end up like me
4. If they want to give you a "happy", they mean 500 pesos not 50
5. It's always better to have two different competitors side by side. They work harder.
6. Always have the exact change. They can't seem to find change when needed.
7. Don't wear anything you really like to a La Ropa Massage. It will be oiled up enough to start a fire.
8. If you find yourself haggling over the difference between 200 and 250 pesos? It's time to go to the bar. $ 2.79 US is not worth the battle.
I'm pretty sure that my massage lady was just there delivering concrete to a work crew and saw the opporuntity for some quick cash and some vicious man hating. I'm pretty sure because no one that worked there knew her name? If you see this face or those feet....go to the bar instead. Off to Taxco now. Viva La Vida.
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